hakuna matata

i shall kick start this blog by talking about death.

my dad passed away two months back, and it seems like a long time has passed ever since. i put up a front that i have dealt with this issue rather smoothly, but really, i have not. i have put my mind into work, studies and other stuff since and i realised i am starting to forget my dad. but there are circumstances when i think about him, like looking at my phone contacts and seeing my dad's number while looking for my friend's. sometimes i just break into tears. the truth is, i miss my dad.

my dad died without fear. he did not die protecting his country, neither did he die for a cause. rather, he died after an operation. the reason why he chose to do the operation that in medical terms is 50:50 (which turned out to be 70:30 and 80:20 after the operation) is simple: jesus. my dad accepted the fact that it was through grace that he had lived for the past 10 years, and if God wants it, he would live for the next few years. if God wants to bring him home, then so be it. to me, that's courage.

i am ashamed that a few months back i had actually wished my dad would pass away earlier. and i was so certain that i could cope with the loss of my dad. yet, when i walked into the ward to see my dad for the last time, i just flipped. it is a hard pill to swallow when someone dies. their presence is gone, and all that remains is a fleeting memory that will soon recede. it is an empty feeling really, and nothing can ever make it go away.

however there is this source of comfort i could tap on - God. and when i sang 'amazing grace, how sweet the sound', i was..speechless. for the first time in my life i choked on my emotions, and this warm feeling of comfort embracing and overran me. i still feel it when i think about my dad. i had another source of encouragement - family and friends. in no order of merit, anh, amanda christine, jocelyn, allicia, chiansiang, eunice, jocelyn, cheryl, kenneth, dianfeng, davina, xinqin, heeann, paul, clarissa & it goes on.

i regret not appreciating the time i had with my dad. i took it for granted that he would live to see me graduate, be there during my wedding, look after my kids. well, he won't be able to do all this now. but as steve jobs said, death is life's changing agent. hopefully, one day i would find the courage to follow my heart. and when the time comes to go home, muster all my courage and stare death at its face, and say 'i've conquered you.'